So the other day, after i got trapped under the bar, I got to thinking about some things. For instance I remember when my mom got crushed by her horse and I was driving back and forth from Billings to her ranch, about 70 miles the other side of Kalispell,700 miles plus one way, how tedious the trip was and how I often drove so very fast to get it over with. During one of the trips back to Billings I was talking to my counselor at the time, recounting the story of picking up a hitch hiker on my way back to Billings. Of course he did not think this was a good choice, or maybe he asked me if I thought it was a good choice. I was very stressed, mom sick, divorce under way, wanting a new life and terrified I would be causing irreparable damage to my son, and this manifested it self in a rash measure of flippancy. I told him I was not worried about it because I was sure my rider was not going to try anything stupid as I was averaging 115 miles per hour. I no longer remember how the rest of the conversation went, beyond me being sure that it was ok because my son wasn’t in the car. Some how I had totally missed the effect a drastic car accident would have had on him long term. Me, the same person who was in counseling because I was so very worried about the effect of a divorce on him! In fact until I picked up that poor hitch hiker it never once, in all those trips back and forth between mom’s and home, occurred to me that I might wreck. How odd that when it did, it was a misguided thought of self preservation. “he won’t hurt me, I am driving so fast he knows he’ll die too.”
It wasn’t that he didn’t know how fast I was driving either, but to give him credit, he said little or nothing about that except to point out a hi-way patrol car that I never saw or really believed was there , but it did if I remember correctly, cause me to slow down. We stopped for gas some place, and in the end he asked to be dropped by a bridge. I do feel now that I owe that man an apology for putting his life at risk.
The point of this deflection is to say that when I got under the bar the other day, I knew it was a bad idea to not have a spot or at least warm up. I knew before I got under the bar, I knew when I lifted the bar and it felt heavier than I remembered, I knew at the half way point,and I did it any way.
Life is a funny thing. I have been given more helpings of grace than I ever could have earned, again and again I have made decisions either based on self will, or not thought out at all, and taken potentially and some times actually disastrous action and yet I am still here.
That’s the thing about grace, you can’t earn it. It’s a blessing, pure and simple.
Fast forward to today. Today I wanted to try again for a pr, but this time I did it different. I lined up a spot first, I warmed up first. I ramped up, and I made adjustments as I went, and while I did not do it as stunningly as I might have hoped, I was pleased with my effort and I was glad that I had not put myself at risk. That I had been grateful for the grace granted that day when I trapped myself and reconsidered my willful impatience. I was grateful and I acted like it.
Impatience is deadly for me. I know that. Wanting what i want when I want it has caused me many times in my life to take actions that have hurt others and myself. I also know that comparing myself to others is just as dangerous. That always feeling like I come up short without considering the truth of my own worth, has also caused me to take actions that have sometimes hurt others, and always myself. That seeking to be more of something to make up for another area where I feel I am lacking is a short cut to trouble.
I am amazed by the people I know and the things that they achieve. I want to lift and celebrate them and not compare myself to them.
Gaining power is a slow process for me, but no slower then anyone else. I came to this later in life and there are age based considerations. This is a fact, not a barrier. If you work with the truth, the truth will work with you. Constantly fighting against this instead of working with it slows down my progress and a time or two has lead to injury. I don’t wanna be like that. I want to accept my weaknesses and celebrate my achievements. I want to be an asset to the people about me and not my never impatience to be more and better become a source of turmoil.
Take good care of you, be proud of yourself just as you are now,and be kind to yourself…